


Abyss

by MarbledMegu



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, and when i say angst i mean HARDCORE ANGST, i hope you cry while reading this hehe, this will reference a few other things that happened in the show but its kind of ambigious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29711088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarbledMegu/pseuds/MarbledMegu
Summary: Jay's already shattered mind is getting worse. The end is near.MASSIVE trigger warning. Self-harm, suicide attempt, and implied eating disorders are found in this. Please do not read this if you are triggered by any of these.
Relationships: Cole/Jay Walker
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. The Bounty Deck

tw // self harm , suicide attempt , suicidal thoughts , implied eating disorder

Jay had been standing on this metaphorical ledge for a long, long time.  
He knew the hoodie had on from his earlier expeditions is stained crimson from the damage he did to himself. He didn’t quite care now. The ripped skin had long dried, it’s been several hours now. Into the dark, cold night, he stood at the metaphorical edge at the ripe time of 03:28 am.  
Everyone knew who Jay is, a grinning goofball who always likes to make people smile. Everyone knew that. He loves helping people, making people laugh, providing what he can for his friends and the people of Ninjago. It made him shiver to think that what was people made him out to be.  
Jay wishes he had let himself be a bit more vulnerable. Maybe then, someone would have noticed. Maybe someone would have noticed the subtle cracks in his facade that were slowly chipping away, letting more and more of his true feeling escape? A struggle he had to learn to cope with, defuse in a meaningful way so he can do his duties. His duties distracted him. It was never a fix.  
His duties acted like a loose tape fix, only preventing from the inevitable fall he would have. The metaphorical fall, his mind plunging into the abyss that he felt he had straddled the line for as long as he could remember. The fine line between taking the plunge into what was to come and what hard, the cold surface would come, and the light of his friends, family, and the loving grace of the people of Ninjago.  
However, like himself, he felt that everyone who cared for him put up a facade to spare him from a complete shutdown. He’s an essential part of the team, but outside of that, he felt that his presence wasn’t needed in any capacity. He had felt brushed off and unimportant for years, even with his parents.  
His real parents abandoned him, letting him rot. His adopted parents only took him in out of pity and the fact they were practically forced to. His team only put up with him because he’s necessary to have around. Outside of that, they hardly give him the time of day. He’s always labelled as a burden, a hard person to be around, annoying, any sort of negative label he could give himself he would believe to be true. He truly believed he’s awful.  
The deck of the bounty felt cold against his bare feet. He didn’t bother to put shoes on, what he came out of his humid room is all he felt is necessary. The wind drafted against him heavily, shifting his curly hair around from its natural position. He sighed, walking further onto the deck. Who knew this would be spending his Thursday night.  
The cold, crisp air kept a tad of humidity in the air, giving the deck its cold, wet feeling. He shook to keep himself warm. However, it never crossed his mind that maybe a few more layers and a pair of shoes would be better for this. He sat down at one of the tables, the sound of the chair screeching against the polished floors startled Jay. He finally sat down, propping his elbows on the table to use his hands to rest his head.  
His breathing felt strained as is. Being in the midst of a suicidal mental breakdown wasn’t the best for his poor lungs. He felt a sharp pain in his hands, a physical reminder of his mental status. The worst has yet to come, he thought to himself. Great.  
He takes out the small blade, something he had stolen from Cole a long while ago, claiming it had been lost by Cole himself. He isn’t quite fond of people figuring out his current mental climate, better to keep his current facade up until it finally breaks through him. How unfortunate he knew this time is coming, the fragments he kept intact slip between his fingers and fell into the abyss he knew he would soon reside in.  
He slid his fingers on the back of the blade, the non-sharp end. A few times, he accidentally brushed his fingers along the wrong side and let his blood spill out in small beads, he would often put a small bandaid on his finger for the time being and wear full-length gloves more consistently until it healed for the most part. Those cuts are often deep.  
He knew his eyes looked dead. They had no shine to them, a dead, empty space similar to how the abyss felt to him. The parked Bounty hummed quietly to keep the electricity going, his breathing felt laboured and heavy, letting out excessive breaths to keep himself going for the time he felt is necessary.  
He put the blade down on the table, the small clicking when the smooth wood contacts the sharp metal. He glances away into the distance, a black void he couldn’t see anything in. He pulls up his sleeve, already littered with the damage he did to himself. It turned his stomach upside down to see it, but at this point, there isn’t much to do to solve it. He knew his time was ticking by the second, an hourglass running out of sand. He finished rolling up his sleeve, cuffing it off at his elbow.  
Something the entire team had noticed is how much weight Jay has lost since everything started to happen. A combination of constant and rigorous exercise since starting his work as the protector of Ninjago, rarely eating due to this declining mental state, and pure forgetfulness to take care of himself anymore led to a deadly combination. He barely weighed anything anymore, he never weighed much, to begin with, however.  
He took the blade from the table. He held it like a pencil, his pointer finger on the edge of the dull side. He drew it near to his arm, tracing down onto his full arm to let the blood spill again. He gasped sharply as he did so, it always startled him the first time in a session. As his line finishes, he raises his blade to let the blood spill onto his palm and fingers. It wasn’t a lot of blood, but enough to carry enough weight.  
As shameful as he felt about this, he continued to do this over and over. As he finished, skin barely peeked through the stripes of blood that ran off his arm and down, going to his aforementioned palm or down to the shorts he wore. Everything is stained. The table, the chair, his shorts, his skin, his hoodie, the blade. He put his blade back into his pocket before standing up.  
At this point, any emotion he had built up into himself spilt out. The tears finally flowed down his face, reminiscent of the blood down his arms. He sniffled, putting his sleeve back down. He didn’t care. He went back inside, trotting to his room sobbing. He didn’t know what came over him to start crying, or what finally piled the last piece of damage for his already delicate mind.  
He finally made it to his room, softly closing the door behind him as he entered his domain. He slid his back on the closed door, pressing his knees up against his chest. He couldn’t stand this, couldn’t stand the pressure he had. He put his hands against his head, gripping down against his scalp. His sobs continued to get more strained and heavy, tears coming out without any intervention.  
He knew he was crumbling under his responsibilities as protector and his mental health. He wanted to balance both so badly, he truly tried everything. But, everything he ever tried to do would get him back to square one. Every experience he had since he first joined everyone else had given him varying levels of the trauma he didn’t know how to recover from.  
Being abandoned by his first love for his best friend stung his heart so much, he didn’t know what he did to deserve it. Even after Cole telling him time and time again that he never did have feelings for Nya, he never knew how to feel about Nya herself having feelings for Cole.  
Dealing with Nadakhan was, in every way, more detrimental, however. He took every opportunity to get under his skin, twisting him and manipulating his already declining state to get his way with him. He said things he could never forget and still linger in his head. The sharp pain he would get shooting through him whenever he thought about some of the things Nadakhan did to him would be intolerable. What a convenient night to think about it.  
The cherry on top is his already underlying abandonment issues. The experience with Nya made them all the worse, but knowing, deep down, that his family gave him up. He didn’t know why, he told Unagami this. He would do anything to just get an answer, despite how much he loves his adopted family. He can never shake the feeling that he’s only there out of pity.  
The tears finally stopped. He stared off into the distance blank, thinking of what to do next. His entire body shook with pain, he just wanted it to end.  
That’s when the thought came to his head. A toxic thought that he didn’t think he would ever truly consider, but on a night like this, he felt it would be the best option. A small course of action was set out in front of him before he would meet the abyss.  
He decided to write a short letter. He didn’t know what to put on it for the most part. But, he knew this is the end. It wouldn’t hurt to detail it a little.

To my friends,

I don’t know how to address you all individually. I feel for all of your recoveries and well-being I address you as the group. I know this seems formal, I’m having a hard time articulating things without being myself, I guess.  
I would like to first say that I am sorry. I really am. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I know I’m a burden on the team, Lloyd no longer depends on us for his elemental powers. I know I’m no longer a fundamental part of the team. You all will do fine without me, it’s perfectly fine.  
I wish I could have figured out my emotions more. I have a feeling I have feelings for Cole, but it doesn’t matter now. I’m going to be gone by the time you see this, and I truly do hope you don’t try to bring me back. I’ve thought about this for a while, this is my decision only. This is out of concern for myself and everyone around me. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.  
You can do what you want with my position on the team. Replace me, leave it empty, it won’t matter to me. I’ll be gone.  
I’ll miss you all, thank you for your time with me. I know it’ll be a relief that I’m gone. 

Jay put the pen down, back into his desk. He laid the letter out on his desk, putting the blade he had once used to test death next to the pen. He closed the drawer and left the room, turning the lights and fan off. No need for that now. He walks down the dark hallway, feeling his way along the wall to the bathroom. He finally makes it, cracking the door open to let himself in. Closing the door behind him, he opens the cabinet that sat along the mirror. He took out multiple vials of pills, all different, belonging to different people that once worked alongside him.  
He took a small handful of each, painfully swallowing down each of them. At this point, he felt himself continuing to sob painfully as he knew his end is coming. The tears didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. He felt himself get sick, but he knew this is for the best. He couldn’t continue to be a burden on everyone around him.  
He sat down across from the bathtub, staring at the ceiling. He felt himself get lightheaded by every moment, eventually lying down on the ground. The bright lights stung into his eyes. The sick feeling continued to get worse.  
It didn’t matter, this is the end.


	2. Overflown

tw // suicide attempt

Everyone in the Bounty was abruptly awoken by yelling. Kai sparked awake, looking at his closed-door with the rim of light shining around it where the door didn’t quite meet the wall. He picked up his phone, trying to figure out what in the world could be happening. The time is 04:35 am, he sighed as he moved his blankets off of him and got out of bed.   
When he opened the door, the rest of the ninja stood out in the hall, trying to figure out what is happening. Kai looks over to Zane, who shrugs. He then sees Cole’s feet reside along the corridor to the bathroom. Kai cautiously walked to the bathroom.  
Cole is in a full-blown sob. The tears wouldn’t stop falling as Kai peered around him to see what is happening. Kai felt himself get lightheaded, looking back at the rest of the group.  
“...Wh-what happened…?” Kai hesitated to ask, trying to make sense of the situation. He then noticed Zane approaching the scene, his eyes widening to see poor Jay laying down on the floor unconscious. His skin is paler than usual, he felt so light and cold in Cole’s arms.   
Cole sniffed, wiping his tears from his face before he spoke. “There-There’s drugs on the counter…” He had to pause to take another moment to cry. Everyone in the hall had already pieced together what had happened. Kai turned back to Zane, clearly in a state of panic.  
“Zane, we need to get an ambulance, we need to go the Ninjago City, we-” Kai was abruptly stopped by Zane and Nya, claiming they had got it as Nya ran down the hall to the bounty deck. Zane called the emergency services, standing at the opposite end of the hall. Kai and Lloyd remained, staring over their friends. Neither of them knew what to do.  
The three of them remained silent before Cole stood up, taking Jay into his arms. He laid limp in his arms, Lloyd having to rest himself against a wall to not pass out. Cole and Jay walked off into the distance.  
“Do you… I don’t-” Kai cut himself off multiple times, trying to figure out what to say. He didn’t what is happening, why it is happening, anything that currently is happening is a complete mystery that keeps speeding forward past him, making him unable to catch up.  
“I think we should stay with Cole right now…” Lloyd says, Kai nodding in agreement. Cole had put Jay down on the couch in the communal living area, his fingers are pressed against his wrist to see if he could find a pulse, anything. Lloyd went in first, Kai trailing behind.  
“...anything?” Lloyd asks quietly. Cole sighs, giving both Lloyd and Kai a sharp spike in anxiety. A silence passes between the three of them, Cole focusing on Jay.  
“Barely. But, it’s there.” Cole mumbles. Lloyd and Kai sighed in relief, Kai folding his arms against his chest. He couldn’t look at any of them.  
“Why would he do this..?” Kai asked quietly. Lloyd looked at Kai, who uncomfortably shifted as his eyes landed on him. “I just… I don’t know.” He attempted to defend himself, assuming what he said is problematic for the current climate of the room.  
“I can go look in his room for any signs.” Lloyd offered, Cole nodding in agreement. Kai sat down next to Cole, trying to provide any sort of comfort for the dire situation they all found themselves in.  
Lloyd quietly walked down the hall to Jay’s room. His bedroom door was left ajar, clearly left in some sort of bad state. He felt his anxiety creep higher and higher as he put his hand on the door handle, opening the door to its full distance. The room is dark and quiet, nothing is turned on and the eeriness scared Lloyd.  
He flicked the lights on, lighting the room in a sudden flash that made Lloyd flinch. He scanned the room as soon as he could see, seeing the small paper on Jay’s deks. He felt his stomach sink when he saw it. He approached his desk, pulling the chair back to sit down. He knew he would need to.  
He picked up the paper, his hands shaking as he attempted to decipher what Jay had wanted to tell them. He scanned the paper, reading the words that Jay had left for them. The last words he wanted to ever say. The paper had tear stains on it, still fresh and damp to the touch. Tears rolled down his face as he read every word, trying to understand where Jay is coming from.  
Lloyd felt he could debunk all of this to Jay in a second. He felt guilty for never helping in the first place, just wanting to provide him with the love the team should have given him.   
Lloyd wanted to tell Jay that he is completely essential to the team. He is just as important as everyone else, providing things that none of the other members could have done. Replacing him could never be done. If they couldn’t replace Zane, they couldn’t just replace another, just as vital, member of the team. Just because he no longer depended on Jay and the others for his powers doesn’t mean he wasn’t useful. The opposite is true.   
Lloyd didn’t know what to make of his feelings for Cole. He had half a thought to just show Cole the letter, but he isn’t sure how he would take it considering the overdraft of intense emotion currently in the air. Lloyd feels the ship rumble below him, obviously starting to land on the ground. He leaves Jay’s room, closing the door behind him and folding the letter neatly in the pocket of his hoodie. He looks down the hall, where Cole held Jay bridal style with Kai shortly behind him. The two look equally exhausted and worried for their friend. He then sees Zane come in from the opposite end of the hall, leading a crew of people with a stretcher and multiple bags of presumable things that will help save Jay’s life.   
Lloyd wiped the sweat from his forehead, the stress of the situation started to get to him. Cole carried him to the stretcher, where he laid him gently. The people quickly escort Jay into the ambulance, the five of them coming out to the deck and watching Jay be driven away to the hospital. Cole is still crying, and Nya had started to have tears roll down her face. None of them knew what to do or expect.   
“...I’m going to get the ship to the hospital. They’re faster than us, though.” Nya said, wiping the tears from her face and walking away back to the control center of the ship. The remaining four ninjas just stood and glanced at each other, unsure what to do.   
“He’ll be fine… he’s gotta be fine…” Zane mumbles, sighing. Cole doesn’t look too happy about this.  
“How could you say that?” Cole interrogates. “He felt so cold, he was so light in my arms, I-” Cole exclaims, being caught up by another full-blown sob sweeping across him, leading him to gasp for air. “I-I need to go. I can’t- I can’t be here.” Cole storms off into the distance of the ship, leading the dwindling group even smaller.  
“Will you two be okay?” Zane asks quietly. “I’m going to apologize to Cole, I just need to wait for him to feel better first.” Kai nods then looks to Lloyd.  
“Good call, Zane. We’ll be fine… I need to talk to Kai, anyway.” Lloyd says. Zane nods, then walks away, leaving Kai and Lloyd alone. Kai looks at Lloyd with paranoia, not knowing what to come.   
“What’s it you need?” Kai asks, folding his arms against his chest. “...that we couldn’t discuss with everyone else.” Lloyd takes out the piece of paper from his pocket, unfolding it and handing it to Kai, who takes it into his hands after unfolding his arms from his chest.  
“This is what I found in Jay’s room. I tried making sense of it but… I can’t.” Lloyd sighs. “He’s so much more important than he thinks he is. He’s crucial to this team.”   
Kai stays quiet, reading the letter that Jay had left. Kai felt his waterline bead with tears, which he promptly wiped away so he wouldn’t cry. “He said he has feelings for Cole.” Lloyd nods his head, putting his hand to his face.  
“I don’t think why that’s why he… decided to do this, though. There are so many pieces to this puzzle, that must be only one bit of it.” Kai nods his head at this, handing the letter back to Lloyd.  
“You should show Cole. Not now, but later. Maybe when Jay’s awake.” Kai says. Lloyd smiles as much as he could considering the situation, appreciating Kai’s words. He takes the letter back, folding it back into his pocket.   
“I appreciate your optimism. We really need it right now.” Lloyd says. “Why don’t we go back with the rest of the group?” 

It’s cold. So, very cold.   
Well, less cold and more nothing. Cold would be nothing, right? No way for light to be there to warm anything up. Just an empty void, maybe even an abyss. Just an empty nothingness, void of anything to provide any comfort, warmth, or love. Nothing.  
Jay floated in this abyss. He dove headfirst into it, giving nothing to grab onto as he fell deeper and deeper, no warmth, no love, no comfort. If he could think, he would acknowledge this.  
He couldn’t think. There was nothing there for him to think. He didn’t. There is no consciousness, nothing to bring into the light that he left behind. The light flew past him long ago, the plunge left him with nothing.  
He felt a few warm touches, a few words, the cries of people. He didn’t truly feel them, but there was something there for him. He didn’t know, he didn’t care, he didn’t believe. The colours of flashing blue and red, the speed that he would only know from racing.   
He felt the softness of a mattress under him. The subtle beeping of a machine, some other noises. He didn’t quite understand why he is suddenly feeling all these things.  
Then his eyes suddenly flashed open, the bright lights of the sun flared in from windows behind him. He looked over to his side, Cole quietly sat next to him, staring in disbelief at what just happened.  
The only thing Jay could say is “goddammit.”


End file.
